Today I have Part I of Sourcebooks Fire's "Do You Believe in Voodoo?" blog tour for Jeff Strand's A Bad Day for Voodoo. Keep reading for a guest post from Tyler Churchill, the book's main character, which tells you what could happen if you don't read the book. Enjoy!
I'm
Tyler Churchill. Not too long ago I had this insane adventure, with car chases
and body parts coming off and everything, which I wrote about in the book A Bad Day For Voodoo. It's not my job to
say that it's the best book ever written, but I will say that if you don't
read it, the following conversation will definitely take place:
[You're walking down the sidewalk, whistling
the merry tune of your choice. Up ahead you see a friend.]
YOU:
Hi, friend!
YOUR
FRIEND: Hi, you! Crazy party last night, huh? I've never seen anybody eat that
many pretzels without getting a drink of water!
YOU:
And who brought the rhinoceros? I kept thinking "Whoa, somebody is gonna
get tusked!" but nobody did, which is good because it would have been
funny at the moment of impact, but not so funny once we got into the screaming
and bleeding and ambulances.
YOUR
FRIEND: Were you there for the ritual?
YOU:
What ritual?
YOUR
FRIEND: You'll find out. [His or her
expression darkens, and he/she gives you a wicked smile.] Oh, yes, you'll
find out.
YOU:
Seriously, what ritual? There was a ritual? Where was I?
YOUR
FRIEND: When the time is right, all will be revealed.
YOU:
C'mon, tell me what the ritual was! You can't just throw something like that
out into the conversation and then not give answers! Tell me! I need
resolution! Resolution!
YOUR
FRIEND: I was just kidding. We were all sitting around playing Words With
Friends on our phones. Somebody played "rhinoceros" on a triple-word
score, which was pretty ironic. Actually, I played "rhino" first and
they added "ceros." So what did you think of A Bad Day For Voodoo?
YOU:
That new book? I didn't read it.
[Several onlookers gasp.]
YOUR
FRIEND: Excuse me?
YOU:
I said I haven't read it.
YOUR
FRIEND: You...you...you haven't read A
Bad Day For Voodoo?
YOU:
No. That's okay, isn't it?
YOUR
FRIEND: Okay? Okay? Don't you
understand what this means? It means that you're not cool!
YOU:
But that's not possible! I do cool things all the time!
YOUR
FRIEND: It doesn't matter! This is the book that will define our generation! If
you're ever on a game show and the host says "For twenty thousand dollars,
please give us the definition of your generation," you could hold up A Bad Day For Voodoo and win the twenty
thousand dollars!
YOU:
But...but...but...but...but...but...but...I thought it was just a silly book!
[Your friend shakes his or her head and
sighs.]
YOUR
FRIEND: No. It is not.
SOME
GUY WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE IN THE AREA AND IS EAVESDROPPING ON THE
CONVERSATION: You really haven't read A
Bad Day For Voodoo? Wow. I heard that those people existed, but I never
thought I'd see one outside of a zoo.
YOU:
You don't have to be a jerk about it.
YOUR
FRIEND: Yes, he does.
YOU:
Oh.
YOUR
FRIEND: I never knew you were so uncool. It's like our whole friendship was a
lie.
YOU:
You're making too big of a deal out of this.
YOUR
FRIEND: Do you see all of those weird-looking colorful waves that are coming
out of people's eyes?
YOU:
Ack! Yes! What are those?
YOUR
FRIEND: Those are waves of judgment. Everybody is judging you. This will follow
you around for the rest of your life.
YOU:
No! I don't believe you!
[You get hit by a car.]
YOU:
Ow! Ow!
YOUR
FRIEND: That's what happens when you don't read A Bad Day For Voodoo. Bad luck follows you everywhere. Watch out
for that circular saw blade.
YOU
[quickly ducking]: Aaah! That
circular saw blade almost took my head off!
YOUR
FRIEND: And you'll need your head to read A
Bad Day For Voodoo! Do you understand now?
[A monkey jumps out of a tree and starts
punching you in the neck.]
YOU:
I understand! I understand!
YOUR
FRIEND: Your coolness meter is running out quickly, but there is still time to
replenish it! Run to a bookstore or an internet and buy A Bad Day For Voodoo! Hurry, before it's too--
[The earth begins to crumble around your feet.]
YOUR
FRIEND: Oh no! It's too late! The world needed
your coolness! It's the only thing that kept us from being all dystopian and
stuff!
[Zombies--fast or slow, your choice--show up
and start eating people.]
PEOPLE
CURRENTLY BEING EATEN [in unison]:
Nooooooo!
YOU:
What have I done? What have I--
[Suddenly you wake up screaming.]
YOU:
It was all a dream! Only a terrible, terrible dream! In fact, the book A Bad Day For Voodoo doesn't even really
exist!
SOMEBODY
(YOU'RE NOT SURE WHO): Yes, it does. It's just not out yet. But it will be in
June 2012. And you'd better buy it, or the next time you wake up screaming,
Effie Trinket will be drawing your name for tribute.
YOU:
Then I shall mark my calendar, or better yet, pre-order a copy of A Bad Day For Voodoo right now!
See?
You may think I made all of that up, but I assure you that my only concern is
for the safety of the world. And even if you don't care about the world, you
should read about the time that my history teacher Mr. Click falsely accused me
of cheating on a test, and my friend Adam got a voodoo doll of him, and I
jabbed it with a pin during class, and things went wrong, wrong, wrong!
Come back later in the month for more about
A Bad Day for Voodoo including a review and more special content!